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When I first adopted my Border Collie Barley, he ducked away from petting. He wasn’t abused or shy – but he was hand-shy. He didn’t like petting and seemed to dislike being touched in general.
He approached people with a wagging tail, then shoved a toy in their hands to stop them from touching him, sometimes ducking out of reach if they tried to touch him. “No,” he seemed to say, “We’re going to play my way.”
I was bummed that my new dog didn’t seem to like being touched, but he was perfect in every other way. He was optimistic, outgoing, smart as a whip and enthusiastic about work.
But he hated being touched.
That was March of 2017. It’s now February of 2019, and things have changed a lot.
Now, Barley leans into butt scratches, his eyes closed in delight. He flops onto his back, draped over our laps for belly rubs. He lets me stretch him before and after runs and even sighs happily when I massage his muscles after a workout.
To be fair, he still doesn’t like when strangers reach out to pet him (I don’t, either). It’s mildly amusing to watch him playing with them – he drops the stick, then backs out of their reach.
They bend to pick up the stick and attempt to pet his head; he backs away. Petting just isn’t his thing.
Your Dog Doesn’t Have to Be Hand Shy Forever
When I first realized that Barley didn’t like petting, I kind of assumed that was just an unchangeable trait. My dog didn’t like petting. So that was that.
Over months of living with Barley, I started noticing he was accepting petting more and more. Why?
Because I’d been using the skills I learned while working as a dog behavior consultant with aggressive and fearful dogs.
Barley started liking petting because I listened to him.
3 Steps to Teach a Hand-Shy Dog to Like Petting
If I reached out to pet Barley and he ducked away, I listened. I withdrew my hand. If I petted him and he seemed to tolerate it, I paused every few seconds to see what he did.
This is called the Pat-Pet-Pause framework. Here’s how it goes:
- Pat. Invite the dog over by patting your knees. If he doesn’t come over, that’s the end of the interaction. No biggie. Avoid calling him as a command, or you’ll weaken the command.
- Pet. If he does come over, pet him gently around the chest, ears, shoulder, or rump.
- Pause after 3 seconds of petting – take your hands away. See what the dog does. If he stays close or leans in, pet more. If he moves away or looks uncomfortable, stop.
I used the Pat-Pet-Pause approach to learn which types of petting Barley liked most. He could say no at any point by just shifting his weight away from me – and I’d listen.
I discovered that by letting Barley say, “No, thank you,” he started choosing to say YES to petting more.
Don’t Just Pet Your Dog More!
Many people try to teach a hand-shy dog to like petting by just petting the dog more.
This doesn’t work. It just tells your dog that you’re not a very good listener.
But if you really pay attention to what your dog wants, you’ll learn how to be a more attentive human who can actually make your dog happy.
Of course, many dogs already love petting and can’t get enough. But if your dog is hand shy, it’s really important to not overstep your boundaries and breach that trust.
Constantly chasing your dog around in attempts to pet is likely to just teach your dog that you’re annoying and grabby. Pat-pet-pause shows you’re ready to listen and learn.
There’s something extra-sweet about giving a good belly rub to a dog who normally doesn’t let others touch him.
It’s worth it to take the time to make things work.
Kayla founded Journey Dog Training in 2013 to provide high-quality and affordable dog behavior advice. She is a Certified Dog Behavior Consultant who’s worked with hundreds of private clients, thousands of shelter dogs, and dozens of working detection dogs. Kayla’s dog and cat behavior advice has been featured in NPR, the Chicago Tribune, and Pet MD. She’s an avid adventurer who is currently doing #vanlife on the Pan-American Highway with her two border collies and a cat. Aside from running Journey Dog Training, Kayla also runs the nonprofit K9 Conservationists, where she and the dogs work as conservation detection dog teams. You can get 1:1 advice with a Journey Dog Training team member here.
We are fostering dog from a shelter. He was rescued from the Iowa floods. He is about a year old and does not let us touch him at all. He follows us around and lays by us but immediately gets up if you reach out to pet. He also sometimes nips at you (not really a bite) if you move too quickly. This pat pet method doesn’t seem to be a fit because he will not come over when we pat and even if he is near he ALWAYS backs away or gets up and leaves quickly. Any ideas? We have tried treats after petting and some brushing but he won’t even let the brush come near him really. Is there a chance he will never be a petting dog?
Hi Kourtlin, why don’t we schedule a 15-minute consult to go over a plan on the phone?
Kayla I have the same issue with my dog. Can I talk to you about a consult?
Absolutely, you can book a consult of either 15 or 60 minutes in the menu bar of the website!
I am identifying completely with Kourtlin’s situation. We rescued a dog about 3 weeks ago. He came from a hoarding situation and appears to not have any human contact experience. He was very sick and spent several nights in the hospital. He is still taking antibiotics for pneumonia. We have battled to keep him inside and are trying to crate train him for sleeping. My husband is home with him all day. He goes out in the morning and spends the day in the yard. He seems to like this. He’s young (supposedly 1 yr. 2mos), not at all playful (curls up and sleeps mostly. but that might be because he isn’t completely well or a side effect of the medication). Last night we could not get him to come in so we reluctantly left him out with his crate door open and his dinner. At some point during the night he ate his dinner. I found him this morning curled up and sleeping on the bench on the deck. This is one of the places he likes to sleep. I don’t know if he ever went in the crate. I’m no thinking that we should let Ben have his way, since it is getting warmer at night (we live in Northern CA). We continue to talk to him (which makes him shake) and feed him treats. On occasion he has taken a bit of meat or cheese from my hand. Any other advice, much appreciated.
Hi Sheri – check out my YouTube series on working with Madge here, I think you’ll find it helpful: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S2bw3kA-bp0&t=14s
I learned how to pet a dog Good. I really appreciate the information 👍 i needed it because I’m having a sleepover in my aunt’s house and she has a pregnant cat. But i needed this information because my aunt/cousins have 2 dogs but One of her dogs named Luna 🌙 But since I don’t live there Luna 🌙 doesn’t really know me and she bites me when I touch her or sometimes she Just leaves. I am trying to convince her that I’m a good person and I’m not trying to harm Luna. 🌙 Thank you Again for the information 🤩💕 i think It was interesting.
-Linette Marquez 💕